THE QUADRANGLE OF DOOM and other stories
by AliLamba
Summary: I. HATE. THE QUAD. I HATE IT. I HATE THE QUAD.


**THE QUADRANGLE OF DOOM (and other stories)  
by:** AliLamba

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* * *

**Jacket.**

All is quiet and the Jack and Juliet household. Jack and Juliet are sitting in the living room reading medical journals, trading articles. Jack is sitting in an armchair, drinking coffee. Juliet is curled up on the couch…also drinking coffee. They haven't said a word to each other in two hours.

…

…

Jack turned a page. Juliet had been holding a cough until now.

…

…

………………….

"So."

Juliet leapt a foot from the couch with surprise. Her journal went everywhere. Jack didn't blink much. He waited for her to calm down. "So I was thinking that we're probably supposed to have sex soon."

Juliet let out a long, skeptical breath, her eyebrows raised. She screwed her face up in consideration.

"Oh I know," Jack commiserated. "But if we want to keep on that _schedule_…" He said the word _schedule_ like it was code he didn't want overheard. "Well it's just. I don't know if you want us to be normal about it."

"It has been…" Juliet counted in her head. "Two? Two and a half days?"

Jack nodded his head sagely. He was always careful to be quietest with Juliet when they were having sex. He didn't want to upset her. She was fragile.

"Ooo," she winced. "I'm not sure the intercourse sheets are clean yet."

"Aw, you didn't clean the sheets yet?" It was like scolding a child for taking an extra cookie.

"No…" Juliet frowned, apologetic. Jack decided to forgive her. But silently.

…

"Well…" Juliet had zoned out, but she perked at Jack's tone of voice. "I suppose we could always try…on…other…sheets?" The last words were eked out painfully.

…

"OH NO—"

"MIGHT AS WELL WAIT—"

They both said in unison. They both stopped at the same time, smiled at the same time, and returned to their reading at the same time.

"Our therapist will just have to understand," Jack murmured when Juliet brought him another cup of coffee. She smiled waxenly at him, and kissed him on the cheek.

* * *

"SAWYER PLEASE STOP TRYING TO ANALLY RAPE ME WHEN I'M DOING THE DISHES!"

**Skate.**

"Awwww come on baby! You haven't let me touch your boobies in like FIVE MINUTES. Stop denying my roguish charm." Sawyer stepped back so that his wink would have the full effect.

Kate closed her eyes and counted to ten. Her fingernails scraped along the dirty paper plate she was about to throw away.

"SHIT IT'S THE COPS."

"_What?!_" Kate shrieked, and the paper plate ejected from her hands. "_THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I'D SAID THE NAME JACK MORE_."

Sawyer froze in the doorway, his glower turning murderous. Police sirens were suddenly outside.

"You know I hate it when you say the name Jack."

"Oh yeah? Well, you should know that I am going to use it all the time now. JACK JACK JACK JACK. See this toaster? I NAMED IT JACK."

Sawyer winced. "You'll come back to me when it burns your Eggo waffles!"

"Nope," Kate taunted, shifting her weight. A few cops were trying to break the front door down. "In fact we're running away together. GUESS WHAT? HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME."

"You bitch."

"Yeah. He's everything that I need."

"I SAW HIM CHATTING UP THE SALT SHAKER."

Kate gasped and wheeled to the toaster. "_You bastard!_" she cried under her breath. "You're too good for me. Sawyer, let's dry hump and sneak out the doggy door."

Sawyer started to victory dance until the cops bust through the front door. "No time! I'll dry hump you WHILE we escape through the doggy door. **And you'll like it too.**"

* * *

**Jate.**

"Jack," Kate breathed. For some reason it started raining when she said it. Jack turned. "I was just dry humping with Sawyer, but it made me remember…that I…am supposed to come back here."

"Kate," Jack started, suddenly irate. "THIS IS MY HULK PHASE AND YOU SHOULD GO."

"But Sawyer won't be free for another 18 minutes! He has to help Ana Lucia clean his guns. Whatever that means."

"I love you."

"Wtf?!"

"It's hard to explain Kate, but mostly it deals with me being a really deep…tortured individual. No like really deep."

"Uhhh…"

"Unless you say something and/or I find some other lady who needs me…I'm going to kiss you now."

"Jack—"

"Kate…"

BEAR ATTACK.

* * *

**Suliet.**

"Heeeey pretty lady I bet you'd like to see me naked!"

"Shut up."

Sawyer is not used to this. He is rabidly turned on. "Well. Well. Maybe you'd uh…maybe you'd just like a taste!" Sawyer starts to undress.

"Stop it. No."

Sawyer frowns in an epic manner. "But I have dimples on my buttcheeks."

Juliet sighs frustratedly, like a four year old asked her why the moon doesn't make everyone fart. "Sawyer, you are a grade-C retard. And you have split ends."

"Well maybe you'd just like to cut them off me," he purrs, removing something else from his body.

"No thanks."

"Well uh. Maybe you want to…take a sip of my luciousness."

"No."

"Maybe…uh…maybe you want a lick of my hero arc. You want me to do something heroic for you? I'LL DO SOMETHING HEROIC FOR YOU."

"Nah."

"HOW ABOUT YOU JUST LET ME DO YOU LIKE A LADY."

"Oh you're just so pathetic," she whines, biting her nails, staring him up and down. "You should basically just have 'boytoy' written all over your flabby pectorals."

"Ooo, that last one sounded like a dirty word." Sawyer wiggled his eyebrows.

Juliet sighs and grabs a bottle of liquor. "Whatever gets me more screentime."

"THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY," he winks.

* * *

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**notes:** I never do comedy, so you have to tell me what you think :P


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